[Written earlier in the day...]
It’s been a while since I last updated, but I have been really busy with work. No surprise there, right? I’m actually typing this up as I wait for my shift to start: I’m over an hour early. I haven’t been feeling too well the last few days and I wanted to get here and have a chance to relax before I had to start. My stomach is jumping summersaults.
In a few hours, I actually have to go through an interview. I’m applying for my old job of office supervisor – not at the old store, but the new one. Melissa, who was office supervisor, just got promoted to Inventory Manger at 412. So I posted for the opening, but I’m competing against the current café supervisor for it. I feel really uncomfortable about that, since I’m pretty sure he already doesn’t like me. And Suki let it slip that some supervisors might not be totally fond of me. She didn’t say who, but I’m pretty sure it’s what Leola calls “The Trifecta”: Peter, Karen, and Amy. Even though it’s upsetting to hear that, I really do have to take it with a grain of salt. They never did anything to create a welcome atmosphere at the store. At first I thought it was just me, but since I’ve seen some other new people get hired on, I realize that they are just in there own little world and can’t be bothered with creating a pleasant work environment.
I am uncharacteristically nervous going into this interview. Kim did a really good job at destroying my confidence in my ability to communicate and relate to others. She also did a number on my professional reputation. And even though Suki still says she supports me, I can tell that even she has lost a little bit of faith in me.
So I got sick this week because of how hard I pushed myself last week. I was exiled to Tyson’s Corner to help with the opening of their brand new store. It really was an awesome experience, but a lot of physical labor. And to top it all off, after 12 hour days of moving books, we would go out and get drunk. One day I covered both of my arm’s with so much Icy Hot that I thought they were going to fall off.
While I was staying at the hotel, Jeff came up to visit me before he went back to school at Virginia Tech. We finally talked – as in the talk all my friends have been pressuring me to have with him. And to all those people who said “take a chance” or “nothing ventured, nothing gained” I would just like to say: You were so unbelievably wrong! I was right. Me right. You wrong. Nothing good can come of confessing unrequited love!
Well, maybe I’m too harsh. It was good to get things out in the open, at least insomuch as I can completely stop pining after something that will never happen. I tried to skooch Jeff out the door before he could bring “it” up – I could tell he was about to when he got this sad, forlorn look in his eyes – but I failed. So there I was, trapped, trying to tell him enough to clear the air between us, but not telling him too much to freak him out (I do that juggling act a lot). I told him that even if I did have feelings for him, I would have kept my silence. I don’t see anything good coming out of confessing feelings that the other person is incapable of sharing. It only serves to make the other person uncomfortable or sad that they don’t feel the same. The last thing in the world I want is to inflict those feelings on Jeff.
At that point, I must admit, him and I did share a teardrop or two. Then the most remarkable thing happened: He laid his head on my shoulder. I say remarkable because that is the first time in our friendship he had initiated physical contact with me. Sure, we’ve held hands or hugged, but it was always as response to my gestures. That is how I always knew that he didn’t – and wouldn’t – share my feelings. His distance was almost palpable. And people think I’m obtuse.
So now he’s gone, back at school. He made me swear things wouldn’t change between us. I can’t promise that. Things will change. Things have changed. But I will not lose this person as my friend. I’m making that promise to myself.
Well, that was cathartic. Let’s move on to a lighter subject. As I said, this week was really good, so there must have been some fun stuff that took place. I met a lot of great people at the Tyson’s store…not that I expect to stay in contact with any of them. This was also my second time to work with Erin. She was my boss in Clarksville, and was the drunk who was instrumental in compelling me to get my second tattoo. She is a lot of fun.
There was one guy who caught my eye from about the second day. His name was Nate and he was the music/multimedia supervisor. I didn’t really work with him the first two days, since I was working on computer books. But for the rest of the week, I worked almost exclusively in DVD. He was very nice and friendly, and attractive to boot (gotta love the shaved head.) Unfortunately for me, I couldn’t tell whether or not he was gay! I, of course, flirted shamelessly. He didn’t really reciprocate, but didn’t seem to be unnerved either. And during breaks, he would often come and sit next to me. Confusing mixed signals! He tried to get me to come out with them one night, but that was the night that I had set aside for Jeff. By Thursday, I was totally at a loss as to his interest in me. Then, as I was bending over to pick up a stack of DVDs, he walked by and smacked my ass. That was all the signal I needed.
Thursday night a bunch of the store supervisors and visiting trainers went out to some pool hall. We had a really good time and drank way too much. I even downed a shot, which I can never pull off. As Nate got more and more drunk, his hand ended up on me more and more often. He did seem to pull away any time it seemed like someone might notice, though. But at least I finally had a clear green light.
Pretty soon, as the alcohol continued to flow, people started dropping by the wayside. When everyone finally decided to split, we decided Nate was going to come back to the hotel with me. We had Melissa drop us off at the store, where we picked up Nate’s sister’s truck. We had to drive that all the way to Ashburn (a thirty minute drive) to switch it for his car. The ride out there and back was certainly interesting, and I had no more lingering doubts about his inclination. By the time we got back to the hotel, I’m surprised we had any energy left to do anything. (But we did. *laugh*). It was fun. I needed that, if only for the self-confidence boost it provided.
Don’t know how Nate felt about it after he sobered up though. The next two days, he barely spoke to me and seemed to be purposely avoiding me. I guess his whole “discomfort” with the gay thing should have tipped me off. Oh well. His loss. I got my jollies and that’s all I really needed. We didn’t even say goodbye to each other on Saturday.
Oh, some straight guy tried to hit on me in the bathroom of the straight pool hall/bar. How messed up is that? I was fixing my hair, and he walked in and stepped to a urinal. He looked over at me and said, “Hey man, you look good. What are you doing later tonight?” I muttered something about being with friends. He said something else, but I don’t really know what, as I was already out the door. Of course I had to tell everyone else about it and we all got a nice big laugh out of my good fortune.
So this week, I’ve been fighting a nagging cold/flu-like thing. Lots of sneezing and nausea. I’ve been trying to rest up and just sleep, but of course this week they would be doing maintenance on the roof of the apartment. There was lots of loud banging, and one damn construction worker who loved to whistle really loudly while he worked. How much of a cliché is that?
Tuesday I met up with my friend Chris, who I haven’t seen in over a year (as he constantly reminds me). Turns out he is dating an acquaintance, Ben, who I had been planning to visit at work that day. Chris and I used it as an excuse to get caught up. We wanted to get a drink, but the bar at Kramer Books was a little too packed. We eventually ended up at Cosi North, where I had the most rotted, foul-tasting espresso martini. Truly, it was awful and I had to chug it at the end of our meal. Hey, I’m not wasting an $8 martini.
Last Thursday night I went up and hung out with Markie. I finally got to see his apartment. Together we downed a whole bottle of Vanilla Stoli and a bottle of Vanilla Rum. Our drunk asses got a great view of a close up lightning storm, and we watched Run, Lola, Run, which is a great movie. Markie kept accusing me of being a lightweight (since I had to pee every 10 minutes), but his ass passed out at like 3am. True, his drinks usually had about twice as much alcohol as mine, but doesn’t the ability to pace yourself count for something? I say I drank him under the table. :P
So I have about an hour and a half until my interview. I really hope that I can form my thoughts into a coherent structure. Actually, that’s the least of my worries: I hope I can express my thoughts in a coherent structure! I think I’ll be ok, except for the pain in my stomach. That would go over real well if I let out a nice loud fart in the middle of the interview.
So I guess this is my longest single entry. I really need to make more of an effort to keep this thing updated, so I don’t have to write these novellas. Whenever I write a synopsis of a whole week (or two), I invariably leave stuff out. Good stuff. Amusing and humorous stuff. Sexy stuff. Scandalous stuff.
Oh, yeah, I did start drinking again. Shuddup. I’m a grown-up, and I needed a new hobby.
[And later...]
So I’m now halfway through the day. I had my interview and it seemed to go pretty well. I tripped over some words here and there, but managed to throw in some hefty, multi-syllable words too (and use them correctly!). The interview lasted for an hour, but it didn’t feel like that: I’ll take that as a good sign. That means that there was good flow and chemistry, right? My stomach started to act up towards the end of the interview, but didn’t give me too much trouble. My mouth became unbearably dry at certain points, but I expected that.
I don’t know if its because there is so much staffing today, or because of the weather, but no one seems to be working especially hard today. I’ve noticed gaggles of supervisors and staff hanging around the information desk for up to an hour at a time, just talking. It doesn’t really matter though; I’m in a quiet mood right now, and in my own little world. I’ve heard some other booksellers mention that the customers today seem to have a bug up their collective asses; however, I haven’t had any difficulty with anybody. In fact, I’ve had a few really great customers today. Maybe they can sense that I’m tired.
Some older gay guy (not too bad looking) wanted to have his items gift wrap. He couldn’t make up his mind as to what paper for what gift. It took him nearly fifteen minutes. He finally had me wrap three things in our normal papers, and then wrap the last item in tissue paper. Yeah, in tissue paper. That is an odd medium to work with, especially when the book is really thin. But on the bright side, as I fumbled with the paper, I had the opportunity to just stare at his well-defined crotch. Oh, simple joys.
I found out today that Jay, the scheduling supervisor, will be leaving the store in two weeks. That is such a damn shame, because he was one of the few supervisors at this store that I actually liked. He’s going back home to North Carolina. A lot of people are actually leaving the store. One manager just quit, Melissa got promoted to another store, the corporate sales rep quit, a café worker is quitting…….OY!
Ok. Only three more hours to go. Then I get to enjoy a nice bouncy ride on metro, and a packed metrobus ride home. If I can keep myself in good spirits through all of that, I will be rather impressed.
posted by Phoenix @ 8/30/2003 10:39:00 PM
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