I know I havent said much for a while. I've been overwhelmed.

A passage from this weekend:
Katherine: Oh my god. They are so big. I didnt notice they were so big..
Phoenix: What the hell are you talking about?
Nick: Yeah...what the hell..?
Katherine: What? What do you mean what am I talking about? What else could I be talking about?
**Phoenix and Nick begin to laugh hysterically**
Katherine: What? What are you guys laughing about?
Nick: We dont know. We have no idea what you were talking about. I thought it might have been about Phoenix's big muscles.
*More hysterical laughter*

My mother is in town.

We were supposed to hang out tonight.

She stood me up.

T-Y-P-I-C-A-L

*rolls eyes*

Today in the parking lot I found a mouse stuck in a glue trap. Whatever asshole used such an inhumane device didn't even have the guts to throw the mouse in the trash...he was just laying in the middle of the road. He was still alive, struggling to free himself. I couldn't pry him from the glue...if had pulled harder, I would have ripped him apart. He was squeaking and looked so scared, I'm suprised he hadn't died simply of fright.

I didn't want this mouse to suffer, but I didn't really know what to do. The only thing I could think to do (and bear to carry out) was to place him inside of a ziplock bag and squeezing out all the air. I figured dying by asphyxiation was better than leaving him to die of starvation.

I've never killed anything in my life, anything that is, higher than a bug (and even then I'm loathe). And worst of all, he looked just like my mouse Trance that I had release a year ago.

Yesterday was not the day that I set out to have. I knew I needed to get out of the house -- to get my mind off of things. I needed to just escape. I went up to Pentagon City for a brief moment; a crowded mall on a Saturday is definetly not the place for soul searching.

I headed up to Dupont and hung out at Soho, drinking chai and listening to "Speak In Sympathy" on continous repeat. Ramon joined me at around 5:30. Our second opportunity to get together, and the first time that didn't take place inside my place of business. We chatted for a while and then his friend Carlos happened by. The three of us spent hours talking about politics, culture, religion -- Just the type of mental distraction I need from things that having been pressing on my soul lately. I'm very grateful for the good time I had with them.

At some point after the sunset we ended up at a small park, playing on the swings. A nice intermission from the serious talking. We walked Ramon to Foggy Bottom, and then Carlos and I headed up to his place in Adam's Morgan so he could grab a coat. And then somehow, after a nice leisurely walk down 18th street, we ended up at Cobalt. I dont mean to say that ending up at Cobalt was unintended; that was our plan. I'm just amazed that I actually went to it, and actually enjoyed myself. I guess it was the great company I was with. Hopefully Carlos will be someone who isn't just a whisper in my existence -- I feel I could really learn a lot from him.

I didn't get home until nearly 2am, when I had planned to be home by 7pm. But it was definetly worth it. Its amazing how the right kind of company can make even unbearable situations feel a bit better.

Sometimes I can only cry in the shower: That way its easier to pretend I'm not really crying. Thats only during times when I feel like if I let myself cry, I shall cry so hard that my body will shake itself apart.

MH: If you see this, know how much I love you right now, more than ever. And if I could manifest my love for you and wrap you tight in it, I would, even if I should tear my heart asunder. I'm with you through everything.

If any of my friends read this...........and I dont think you all do (which is a comforting and parodixicly disconserting thought)...I've decided to stop editing myself for spelling. This is supposed to my random thoughts, and if I go back and edit spelling mistakes, well, its not really that random. *laff*

How ME is that.

Today was another magical day. I find that as I open myself up to the magic of life, it makes its presence clearer every day. As I was walking to the metro after work, a motorcade went by. It was the first time in years that I stopped and watched one. It had become some commonplace that I had stopped caring.

I stopped in at Teasim on 8th street. I like that little space. I think its going to quickly become my after work haunt.

Then I went to the Hirshorn museum. There is an awesome exhibit there of Gerhard Richter. It was amazing. He paints in near photo-realistic fashion, but delibertly blurs the imagery with a slash of the brush. It is a beautiful effect. Most of his stuff is haunting. He uses a lot of grey tone, which is of course my favorite color. My favorite piece was "Grau" -- a large monotone piece with a very interesting and rough texture. It seemed to show the hidden depth in the neutral color, and smacked familiar of my rationale of why grey is my favorite color: Black is black and white is white, but grey represents the infinate possibilites in between.

I think I find myself longing for someone to share these moments with. Not that I don't like wandering the museum alone: That is part of the charm of the Hirshorn. Often it seems that you have the paintings all to yourself. But it would be nice to have someone in my life who was as moved by the imagery as I was. To stare at that infinate greyness with me.